Showing posts with label snark. Show all posts
Showing posts with label snark. Show all posts
Saturday, June 09, 2007
Tagg! You're it. The Washington Post delves into the blogging life of the children of Mitt Romney. Think Osmond family but less confrontational and abrasive.
BOSTON -- Tagg Romney, 37, loves the Sox and has a thing for Billy Joel. Matt Romney, 35, always tunes in to "Saturday Night Live," and Josh Romney, 31, likes to surf and water-ski. Ben Romney, 29, hesitates to call his dog, Kingsley, a half yorkie and half poodle, "a yorkie-poo." And Craig Romney, 26, a Tom Brady look-alike, has 337 friends on MySpace and cites his dad, along with the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., as his heroes.
Wholesome does not really begin to describe the five adult children of Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, who for the past few weeks have been sharing such details on Five Brothers, their blog and the most popular feature on the former Massachusetts governor's campaign Web site. The blog is yet another medium to convey the image of dedicated family man that is an essential part of Romney's identity as a candidate. Earlier this week, while most of his opponents introduced themselves during the Republican presidential debate by highlighting their résumés, Romney started with, "I'm a husband, a father, a grandfather . . . ."
They are now worried that they are only reaching the genuinely pious demographic of Republican voters with this G-rated blather, which moves that 3% of the GOP base that doesn't break out the whips and chains on Saturday night, before acting holier than thou on Sunday. So now there are plans for a PG-13/NC-17 blog that will speak to more Americans, and share the Romney message in a way that can touch us all.
Tagg Romney reveals his secret shame when he accidentally touched his penis and didn't go blind. He thought God might be napping so he tried to burn his eyes out with a bottle of bleach. Fortunately his mother had used it all on Mitt's underwear. This lapse is her continuing shame, she didn't toss the bottle immediately away, failing as a housewife. Xanax and gin martinis take the edge off.
Josh Romney got shrinkage when water skiing in front of another man, and this helped him to realize that those secret urges could be controlled as long as he had icy water available. For those who wonder why he has an Igloo chest nearby during all campaign stops, no need to ask further.
Matt Romney's juvenile record is sealed, and the judge told him he didn't have to discuss the matter any more. His court appointed therapist wanted him to open up but he did his 18 sessions and she isn't in charge of him any more.
Ben Romney once left the gate open and his yorkie poo got out and did the canine lambada with the German shephard down the street. He didn't stop it, and he only watches the video tape when in a certain mood.
Craig Romney has paid $25,000 to a celebrity plastic surgeon to make himself look like Tom Brady. He still doesn't. Friends and family tell him he does to stop his addiction. It was very sporting of Tom Brady to show up and give him a pep talk. It was reminiscent of the time Don Drysdale gave a few words to Greg Brady about pitching, baseball, and life.
In this blog, they also reveal that their dad spends more time on his hair than their mom. Ben lied about his age to get into a movie at half price. He was only two weeks past 11, so it didn't really count, did it?
They also reveal that the Stepford Wives was an inspiration to Mitt, who likes to tinker around in the garage as one of his hobbies.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Al Gore is fat, but Fred Thompson looks presidential.
Bill Clinton has loose morals, but Rudy Giuliani has an interesting past.
Howard Dean is unhinged, but John McCain is passionate.
Bloggers swear and act very uncivil,but Dick Cheney is forceful in his opinions.
John Kerry is a flip-flopper, but Mitt Romney is appealing to the base.
Hollywood Celebrities don't belong in politics, but Fred Thompson, Ronald Reagan, and Arnold Schwarzenegger have charisma.
Both sides are equally corrupt. William Jefferson balances out Tom Delay, Jack Abramoff, Duke Cunningham, Bob Ney, the entire leadership of the Justice Department, and the various Bush administration officials who have had to resign in disgrace. A pox on both houses.
Health care, the economy, foreign policy may have some place in politics, but the guy who you want to have a beer with is the person who should be elected.
It is metaphysically impossible to slander the Clintons. If a wino who is detoxing thinks that Bill Clinton stole his BVD underpants, run with it.
GE brings good things to life. Three headed fish are a new species right?
If you want to be a pundit, make wildly incorrect guesses about what will happen in the future. Deny saying it, and make another awful prediction. You will have life time tenure. Trust me on this one.
A blow job is much worse than torturing people, using false intelligence to go to war, and stripping away their civil liberties. Why, you might ask? Don't question this you jackass. Do you want to work?
Bill Clinton's 66% approval rating when he left office means nothing. He was highly unpopular.
You were hired for your independence. It's just a coincidence that you toe the line of your corporate parent. Look in the mirror saying you are free to run an expose on GE while you work at NBC, they just are too perfect to have any problems. Practice until any vestiges of a smirk are gone from your face.
Republicans must be addressed by nicknames like America's Mayor, the Decider, or the Maverick. It humanizes them.
Everything that happens is good news for Republicans. Except when they lose an election, in which case it will be good for their long term prospects while they re-organize. So, it's all good.
Forget Columbia Journalism school. Just memorize these facts and you should do fine.
Sunday, April 08, 2007
Michael Ledeen is not deterred by his announcement in January that rocked the world (in laughter because it wasn't true) that...
Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Iran’s Supreme Leader, is dead.
Michael Ledeen has more information he needs to share with us, so please don't laugh. Funny, each bit of information he shares are justification for actions to be taken against Iran. Today in the Corner, we learn new things about Iran. It ties them to 9/11. Apparently, even though Osama Bin Laden is a radical Sunni, hatred for the red, white, and blue is just too powerful an emotion to let a 1000+ year old religious feud stand in the way of in his quest for vengeance.
I've been told for some time now that April 9th—tomorrow—is a green-letter day in the Middle East, because the Iranians have planned some sort of nuclear announcement or demonstration (Ahmadinezhad is going to Natanz, it seems) and are also sponsoring what their leaders refer to in private as "a new intifada in Iraq."
I don't know if it's true, but it certainly fits; the Iranians love "disappeared" leaders. Their messianic leader is the "vanished Imam;" they "disappeared" bin Laden after he was routed from Afghanistan (he hasn't even made a virtual appearance for nearly three years, if you're keeping track) ; and Moqtada has been "disappeared" of late, which would put him in perfect position, Iranian-style, to lead an insurrection.
Don't overlook the change in terrorist strategy: the attempt to terrify and thus enlist the Iraqi people against the Iraqi government and coalition forces seems to have become counterproductive. Otherwise, why suddenly put the population off limits? That seems important to me.
So, we have a trifecta here. I am honored. Osama Bin Laden is the guest of the Iranians, who are going to do something nuclear tomorrow, and it's all in conjunction with Al-Sadr, who when not busy ordering his people to blow up Sunnis, is plotting with Sunni Osama Bin Laden.
Michael Ledeen only knows the half of it though I am afraid. There are three other key facts that make me believe that the Iranian or shall I say "green peril" is much more widespread than even Ledeen imagines.
1. Ahmadinezhad is the guy who greenlighted 'According To Jim' on ABC.
2. If you play the Iranian National Anthem backwards it says Paul will be dead. We declare jihad on him.
3. The city of Tehran has banned baseball, mothers, apple pie, and Chevrolet.
This can not stand. I wonder if Michael Ledeen has any idea what we should ever do with such damaging information? I know. He wants us to engage Iran in diplomacy to work out our differences. That must be it surely.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Kevin McCullough at the epicenter of political thought known as Townhall.com asks some important questions about democrats that need to be addressed. His thoughtful queries are devastating and made me look in the mirror this morning, and see shame welling across my face. There was also a pimple. My eyes were a bit puffy too. But anyways...
Please explain something to me. What is this obsession that liberals have with seeing America destroyed?
Why are they so intent on humiliating their fellow citizens? And why don't they have at least some modicum of pride about the greatest nation the world has ever produced?
I think it's because secretly many of us are french. We enjoy our french fries and got resentful over the whole freedom fry switchover. I personally enjoy some cabernet, Jerry Lewis movies, and secretly hope that we are taken over by the UN.
It is clear from the way they recoil when someone refers to them as "anti-American" or "unpatriotic" that there is a piece of them (however insignificantly tiny) that does not wish to be classified as such.
It is true. That secret part of me that joined the military unlike the brave keyboard warriors of the right was hoping that my service wouldn't get out. It shamed me to think that anybody would know that in a small place in my heart I loved this country.
To this day, I don't have a yellow magnet or a W sticker on my car, but I know all the lyrics to the national anthem but don't belt it out in public. I am coming out of the closet now, but it is very painful. Thank you Kevin McCullough for your sensitivity. Let's hug.
In their own echo-chamber vanity Murtha, Pelosi and company believe themselves to be smarter than the commanders of the operations in the war on terror. And they believe that we will sit mesmerized, like sheep, while they single-handedly attempt to give the terrorists a date for victory - August 31, 2008.
But they didn't just author defeat - they campaigned for it.
It's true. It's so true! The commanders were doing such a great job. Iraq was liberated, there were flowers being handed to Dick Cheney. Ken Adelman walked through a 500 foot long cake as he was greeted as the savior of the Iraqi people. In 2006, defeatocrats like myself said this goodwill to America from the grateful people of Iraq is embarassing. Let's nip this in the bud and get out of there before we get too big headed from all the thunderous applause we are receiving. I voted for these people to end the war. My shame is overwhelming.
Only a day or two earlier the "let the terrorists win" bill looked like it was in deep trouble. Some of the more socially conservative blue-dog democrats argued that it would not play well to the average citizen to be authoring a bill, and to hold hostage the paychecks of the men and women in uniform over the issue of when we give victory to the other side.
It was such a catchy title too. The "let the terrorists win" bill was such a good concept. It had pizazz. But it was so terribly wrong. If we don't stay in Iraq forever, that means the terrorists win. I used to think that letting terrorists dictate what we did would mean they won, but obviously it was an error in judgement.
So not only did the Democrats author a resolution that called for the terrorists to claim victory on August 31, 2008, not only did they twist arms of lower ranking members to get them on board, now they were willing to spend the money that you and I are sending them by way of our tax bill - to fund the effort to buy congressional members' loyalty to the concept of the terrorists winning.
Am I the only one in America that thinks this is truly, dastardly, diabolically - sick?
No, no you aren't. I vomited a little in my throat while reading your article. Does that make you feel any better?
We must be terrorized of terrorists and bogged down in a quagmire in order to defeat their ideology. Bless you Kevin. You have showed me the way. Your nurturing support has really opened my eyes.
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