Friday, May 25, 2007

So, You Want To Be A Journalist?

Al Gore is fat, but Fred Thompson looks presidential.

Bill Clinton has loose morals, but Rudy Giuliani has an interesting past.

Howard Dean is unhinged, but John McCain is passionate.

Bloggers swear and act very uncivil,but Dick Cheney is forceful in his opinions.

John Kerry is a flip-flopper, but Mitt Romney is appealing to the base.

Hollywood Celebrities don't belong in politics, but Fred Thompson, Ronald Reagan, and Arnold Schwarzenegger have charisma.

Both sides are equally corrupt. William Jefferson balances out Tom Delay, Jack Abramoff, Duke Cunningham, Bob Ney, the entire leadership of the Justice Department, and the various Bush administration officials who have had to resign in disgrace. A pox on both houses.

Health care, the economy, foreign policy may have some place in politics, but the guy who you want to have a beer with is the person who should be elected.

It is metaphysically impossible to slander the Clintons. If a wino who is detoxing thinks that Bill Clinton stole his BVD underpants, run with it.

GE brings good things to life. Three headed fish are a new species right?

If you want to be a pundit, make wildly incorrect guesses about what will happen in the future. Deny saying it, and make another awful prediction. You will have life time tenure. Trust me on this one.

A blow job is much worse than torturing people, using false intelligence to go to war, and stripping away their civil liberties. Why, you might ask? Don't question this you jackass. Do you want to work?

Bill Clinton's 66% approval rating when he left office means nothing. He was highly unpopular.

You were hired for your independence. It's just a coincidence that you toe the line of your corporate parent. Look in the mirror saying you are free to run an expose on GE while you work at NBC, they just are too perfect to have any problems. Practice until any vestiges of a smirk are gone from your face.

Republicans must be addressed by nicknames like America's Mayor, the Decider, or the Maverick. It humanizes them.

Everything that happens is good news for Republicans. Except when they lose an election, in which case it will be good for their long term prospects while they re-organize. So, it's all good.

Forget Columbia Journalism school. Just memorize these facts and you should do fine.