Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Giuliani Is Cursed. It's The Only Explanation

Today was the day Rudy Giuliani was scheduled to hang out with his kind of people at Regents University. What many people don't know is that he is a Southern fundamentalist at heart. Regents is the University founded by Pat Robertson, the undisputed obnoxious televangelist from the 80's. Jerry Falwell has unfortunately met the big Tinky Winky in the clouds.

Yesterday Pat Robertson was a busy little lunatic. He re-iterated his calls for the assasination of Hugo Chavez,(In a very Christ like way). Chavez is the democratically elected leader of Venezuela. Yesterday Pat also cured a woman in Ohio of goiter and sold 538 orders of his delicious protein shake. He does keep an active schedule. What is a cross dressing, abortion loving, gun controlling, cousin marrying, thrice married guy like Rudy going to do? Not show up? Giuliani spoke to the Regent crowd with confidence, platitudes, and mentioned 9/11 47 times. He was on his game.

This capped off a very busy week starting with his dispute with the firefighters of New York getting more heated.

Some still speak bitterly about a contract that left firefighters without a raise for two years. Some also say Mr. Giuliani has exaggerated the role he played after the terrorist attacks, casting himself as a hero for political gain.

After that, Newsday pointed out that Giuliani never bothered to show up to Iraq study group meetings because he was giving inspirational speeches for up to $200,000 a pop. One of the programs that Giuliani attended was "A daylong program infused with Christianity, patriotism and pumping music suitable for aerobics." Here is a photo of Giuliani leading one session (not safe for children, or those with acid reflux).

Then wouldn't ya know it. South Carolina is a crucial early primary state, but the campaign co-chair turned out to be a coke dealer. Resolute as always, Team Rudy appointed the coke dealer's dad in his place. He is a colorful fella with always a handy quote for the press.

On October 18, 2006 The Post and Courier of Charleston, SC wrote " Arthur Ravenel Jr., who is running for an East Cooper seat on the board, caught flack 16 years ago when he was in Congress and made a comment about white committee chairmen who operated on 'black time,' which he said meant fashionably late."

As recently as January 2000, the Post and Courier reported in an article headlined "Ravenel stepped outside 'civility,'" that Ravenel called the NAACP the "National Association For Retarded People."

When asked about the comment in the story, Ravenel said that he misspoke. "It was a slip of the tongue. I have never said the NAACP was retarded," he told the Post and Courier. "I made a rhetorical slip, and they want to lynch me for it."

Lynch me for it. What a card! A guy this funny raised a coke dealing son. What are the odds?

The excitement is overflowing for tomorrow's news. I consulted three psychics who gave me three different predictions. Miss Cleo was unavailable (I tried).

1. Giuliani decides that the cannibal vote is a niche that is up for grabs and holds a $1,000 "tastes just like chicken" dinner.

2. Rudy's ex wives and Newt Gingrich's ex wives sign a contract to host "The Look", a cheap derivative morning talk show on UPN.

3. People realize that 9/11 didn't change the fact that the man is a complete asshole.