Thursday, March 01, 2007

Conservapedia Word of The Day

Today, we learn about the word mailings.

A mailing is the use of the U.S. Postal Mails to engage in grassroots lobbying or solicit customers or members.

Beginning in the late 1970s, mailings became a crucial element in the rise in power of conservatives. The media became increasingly liberal, but conservatives who tend to stay at home and read their mail were reached through mass mailings.

Apparently, you can only lobby people through US mail. None of those letters from Nigeria really count as a mailing. Conservatives read their mail, unlike those Godless liberals who use their mail as fuel for alters to Satan (it helps the goat's blood coagulate faster).

A typical day at a conservative home consists of the following:

Father:Hi honey, I'm home! Is the mail here yet?
Mother:Yes, I got to the mailbox while taking a 5 minute break from home schooling the kids and taking care of your castle.
Father:Can I see the mail? I need to read closely through everything that came today. There was an advertisement for local dentists that should be here by now.
Mother:Honey, can we discuss this first? Remember, our pastor convinced us that cable tv was from the devil. We cancelled yesterday, and now with FOX news not available, only secular liberals are on the over the air channels.
Father(impatiently): What is your point darling?
Mother:After bible study, can't we read the mail together as a family?
Father:Fuck that you xanax popping Stepford wife. I am your master, the head of this family, comply. Give me the damned mail, make my dinner, and see if the 700 club is on. I hear Pat is offering a special on his delicious protein shakes. That's about the only protein shake you are willing to swallow.
Father:Let's pray over this.
Mother:You are correct, oh head of my household. I am so glad you get to read the mail, because we need somebody to make decisions in the household, and the Lord gave you that job.
Father:That's right, I am the decider. Wouldn't you feel terrible if you were married to that liberal guy across the street who allows his wife to work as a teacher, and lets her choose what to do all the time?
Mother:He doesn't even read all his mail. What does he know? *sniffle*
Father:(Smiling)Kids come out here. Pat Robertson's on. I will read the dominos specials to you all as a treat.
*fade to black*