Tuesday, July 17, 2007

GI Sampson Now On Sale At Wal-Mart

CNN is reporting that Wal-Mart will be selling Jesus, Sampson and other sundry action figures from an outfit called One2Believe. This company believes there is a market for kids to play violent games with bible action figures (dolls) as opposed to the "secular" toys on the market.On the yahoo page for this company this is how the company describes the awesomeness that is Sampson.

Samson was one of the strongest men who ever lived. He was used by God to destroy his enemies and do some other pretty amazing things! He caught over three hundred foxes by himself; he killed a lion with his bare-hands; he killed 30 men in one night without any weapons; and he even used the jawbone of a donkey to single-handedly defeat one thousand men!

Totally dude! Sampson rawked! He kicked some butt for the G-Man. Your kid too can pretend to take the jaw of a donkey and slaughter 1000 people who leave behind grieving families. Look at those muscles on Sampson. He was totally pumped for the Lord! Imagine if you were able to strangle 30 men with your bare hands!

Sampson is so bitchin' that he costs $24.99 and Jesus is only $19.99. Oh man, find me some Philistines and let's get biblical on them.

The idea of selling biblical violence to kids is not new this year. There is a violent version of the Left Behind movie refashioned as a video game where you can fight against ACLU lawyers and other hippies in the pocket of Satan. I used to just think these people were cute in their derangement until they started electing Presidents. Now, it seems to this observer that they are trying to raise the Christian version of Jihadists by glorifying biblical violence.

The Mary doll is kind of hot though. Kids can fantasize about having sex with Jesus' mom. Oh, and yes, they did their best to make the figures look more Europe-like and less Jewesque. It's important to the fundamentalists to remember that the biblical prophets came from Sweden.