Sunday, March 04, 2007
Dear old Newtie is considering a jump into the Presidential campaign. Since he and Frank Luntz designed "the Contract for America" in 1994 to rip roaring success/failure depending on your point of view, Gingrich has decided on a sequel, this time for the 21st and a half century.
Like the first contract, this one has ten items, like the 10 commandments, but with pithier language that has been poll tested for certain. God didn't focus test first though right?
Well, here are the 10 principles that Gingrich believes will keep us safe until January 1, 2100 or January 1, 2101 in case you know when centuries actually begin and end. Newt actually uses roman numerals, just like Jesus. He's a historian after all.
I.Defend America and our allies from those who would destroy us. To achieve security, we will develop the intelligence, diplomatic, information, defense, and homeland security systems and resources for success.
I agree. We need to bug Cheney's secret location so we can head him off at the pass. So far, so good.
II.Transform the Social Security system into personal savings accounts that will enable every worker to have higher retirement incomes from their own work and avoid the need for financial support from their children.
Bush had a mandate for doing that after his 2004 election. He vaguely mentioned the idea in the fall that year. His efforts so far have really pushed the ball forward. This plan should pass congress when monkeys fly out of my butt.
III.Recenter on the Creator from Whom all our liberties come. We will insist on a judiciary that understands the centrality of God in American history and reasserts the legitimacy of recognizing the Creator in public life.
To that end, the flying spaghetti monster will be honored with statues, and free bread sticks at all participating Olive Gardens.
IV.Establish patriotic education for our children and patriotic immigration for new Americans. To achieve this, we will renew our commitment to education about American citizenship based on American history and an understanding of the Founding Fathers and the core values of American civilization. We will insist that both our children and immigrants learn the key values and key facts of American history as the foundation of their growth as citizens.
It's kind of like the dream of One Worlders of black helicopters flying under the UN logo, shipping people off to re-education camps except this time there is a lot of american flags, and short shrift of things like slavery, stealing the land from the Natives. Oh, and lots of Souza music.
V.Meet the triple economic challenges of an explosion in scientific and technological knowledge, an increasingly competitive world market, and the rise of China and India by implementing:
1. A new system of civil justice to reduce the burden of lawsuits and to incentivize young people to go into professions other than the law.
2. A dramatically simplified tax code that favors savings, entrepreneurship, investment, and constant modernization of equipment and technology.
3. Math and science learning equal to any in the world and educating enough young Americans to both discover the science of the future and to compete successfully in national security and the economy with other well-educated societies.
4. Investing in the scientific revolutions that are going to transform our world—particularly in energy, space, and the environment.
5. Transforming health care into a 21st Century Intelligent Health System that improves our health while lowering costs dramatically. In the process, American health care will become our highest value export and foreign exchange earning sector.
This is kind of cheating. We are talking about India, China, tax breaks for the rich, investing in Newt's old scheme of sex in space, and tort reform probably if I read the Gingrich code in #5 correctly. Back to part 3 for a second. How are we to lead the world in math and science when Gingrich's base believes that fire is scary, and Noah rode a dinosaur a few thousand years back? Those details likely will be worked out later. Oh, and everybody I know went to law school. It's what the cool kids do. But we need more people on Wall Street to survive. Who is going to cold call my grandmother with a boilerplate stock, if the youth actually start suing these firms for stock manipulation?
VI.Let's put the cripples to work with electrical prods if we can figure out a scheme for that, and Alberto Gonzales is still the AG. "So every person has a real opportunity to pursue happiness as their Creator endowed." Newt actually is a strong supporter of doing this on an office desk, with somebody other than his wife. The girl told him the creator endowed him well too (she was lying).
Work to include every American in a system of patriotic stewardship so every person has a real opportunity to pursue happiness as their Creator endowed. Prepare for the aging of the baby boomers and their children so we can have active healthy aging with the best quality of life, the longest period of independent living, and the greatest prosperity. We will:
1. Develop a system in which those who wish to stay economically active are encouraged and incentivized to do so because active people live longer and healthier, have a greater opportunity to pursue happiness, and are less of a burden on their fellow citizens;
2. Develop a system of independent living and assisted living that increases the years in which people can be on their own and in most cases enables people to live their entire lives with freedom and dignity;
3. Develop a new model of quality long-term care in which both the care and the quality of life are compatible with a twenty-first century American expectation of progress and innovation;
4. Use the new technologies and new scientific knowledge to turn disabilities into capabilities and change government regulations and programs to help every American achieve the fullest possible ability to pursue happiness.
VII.Change the mindset of big government in Washington by replacing bureaucratic public administration with Entrepreneurial Public Management so government can operate with the speed, effectiveness, and efficiency of the information age.Yes, let's make it so. These details are so specific that anybody can follow the blueprints. Halliburton can run the Interior department. This vision is truly breathtaking... in it's stupidity.
VIII.Balance the federal budget and insist on a lean government, low tax, low interest rate economy to maximize growth in a competitive world.With Republicans still around? How is that going to happen in a world where Republicans get to play with money. Pulllease.
IX.Insist on congressional reform to make the legislative branch responsive to the needs of the 21st century.We just did that. It was called the November elections.
XEnsure an election process that is honest, accountable, accurate, and free from the threat of illegal votes or subsequent litigation.Let's reintroduce the poll tax, literacy test, and we can use a Sherman-Williams paint sampler swath to put against your skin to determine if you are white enough to vote. The cut off might be at papaya, or even gold coast if our polling improves with latinos. With everybody out of law school, you won't be allowed to sue anyways, so suck it up, or you get to go to Patriotic Camp for two more months.
If we insist on these goals and insist on electing leaders at all levels dedicated to these goals, we will be able to leave our children and grandchildren an America of safety, health, prosperity, and freedom that would make our parents and grandparents proud. We too will have done our duty to our country and our achievements as citizens will be worthy of the America we inherited.
With this bold new agenda, Newt Gingrich will burst into the lead in the GOP primary, then get caught with a hooker in his Cadillac in an alley in Nashua, New Hampshire. The media will say we should just move on, it's not important, but he will skip the rest of the campaign on the trail to have a quickie divorce, fourth mariage and honeymoon in Tahiti sandwiched in between his acceptance speech from a funky bar on the Polynesian Island.
He will gain 49% of the vote, blame his loss on the liberal media and their traitorous agenda, then return again 8 years later with another new plan.
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